The journey to becoming “That Woman”.

15 Mar

Ok, my beautiful sisters! I lost this entry, so I’m actually re-doing it. I thought to write this the day I fell in love with the Range Rover Evoque. It was a couple of months ago at church. Before I saw the car I saw the woman. She was stunning, early 30’s, wearing a simple red dress but with THE most stunning zebra skin matching bag and shoes. Her hair was done in a full weave, and it was absolutely beautiful, make up was precise but very simple, she smelled great too. Her whole left hand was weighed down by a beautiful diamond ring with the same hand; she held a cute little girl’s hand who was maybe 3 or 4, back to the woman. She had flawless NW45 skin, where you could tell she drank the recommended 2 l of water a day. She had a beautiful toned body. She clearly looked after herself. Although she was gorgeous the one thing about her stood out more than anything, her confidence. She got into a white Range Rover Evoque, and I knew right then, that I was in love. I was in love with the image and I was like…Who is that woman? I want to BE that woman!

Of course I didn’t know her, or anything about her. But the overall picture surrounding her was just beautiful. I filled in possibilities in the blanks in my head of who she could be, what she could be about…in all the scenarios she was successful, and she can be anyone.

She is a mother and a wife, she is either, she is neither. She is a doctor, an academic, a hustler, a lawyer, a poet, an actress, a hair stylist and a chef. What sets her apart from the rest of the crowd is that she stands out. She is the cream of the crop and baws at her game. I have made the conscious decision to become that woman.

The 1st thing that you have to do is find out what your God-given talent or gift is. Maybe you’re super creative and have an impeccable taste for fabric. Maybe you have good discernment skills. Maybe you are naturally athletic. Maybe you’re great at persuading people to do what they wouldn’t normally do. These are the things that are uniquely special about you that you should maximize on. Simply because you got them for free and they are an inherent part of your nature. We all have these special qualities

So I now you have to sit down and think of realistic goals, WRITE THEM DOWN, and look at them every day so that you’re not distracted from the end result. I think it’s important to dream big, and you should have an ultimate end goal, but don’t have Loboutin goals when you can’t quite yet afford Nike. Pace yourself and cross out every goal as you achieve it.

Once you’ve figured that out what your goals are, it’s time to take time out to nurture your nature accordingly. Practice, practice, PRACTICE. Use whatever vices at your disposal. If you can take a flower arrangement course to better your wedding planning business do it! Once you’re great at doing that, cross it off the list.

Manipulate your surroundings and the changing climate to work for your goals and needs. I think you may need to do a bit of research with this. The internet is a wonderful tool, both for research and networking with like-minded people. If you’d like to be an archaeologist you can surf the net for institutions and organisations that offer information on scholarships worldwide. Forums are a great place for some things, if you’re a soap maker there is a number of forums where other people share their knowledge and ask questions. There are also forums for aspiring models etc. Don’t forget that face to face networking is just as important though! Going to things like conventions, exhibitions and conferences works a charm. Don’t forget “using” friends and family for their connections! You’ll never know who your great-aunt’s husband is related to that can offer you a family discount on rent in that complex where you want to open your boutique.

Strategise! Make sure your goals are set in place by a clear and concise strategy that you intend to execute.

Whilst you’re on your way remember that there will be haters! Galore! Be careful in your dealings with them. Be aware of them but don’t spend too much energy on them if any at all. Remember that their negative energy will naturally deflect from your positive energy if you just brush your shoulders off. Having said that it’s important, as the saying goes, to keep your enemies closer! That rings me on to my next point. The competition.

Make sure that you always know what your competitors are up to. Don’t lean on their swag too much but be aware of the advances that they make in your field. Particularly if you’re in business, don’t be left lagging behind while your competitors progress. More efficient than keeping an eye on the other team is my next point.

PROGRESS! Keep abreast of emerging local and global trends and always make sure that you grow. Progress may be a slow process but stagnation is no process at all. You can always be better than you were last year.

Nat King Cole sang that “The greatest thing, that you’ll ever know, is just to love and be loved in return”. Have a good family based support structure. Family in this case needn’t be blood, but anyone who fits your definition. Tell them your aspirations and share your progress, it’s always nice to have your own cheer team! If you have a team of people that love you to support you, you are likely to be happier.

Even when you become “that woman”, remember that you’re also a woman. A woman, who needs to be loved and complimented, cherished and desired. Why? Because it feels good that’s why. I believe that as long as you have a partner who in secure in him/herself, they too will help you to be the best you can be. I also believe that you can invest in a rewarding romantic relationship without having to compromise too much of yourself.

Having said that let go of ANY and ALL toxic and abusive relationships, the cheating boyfriend, the jealous friend and the discouraging cousin. Yes, trust me it’s easier said than done, but once it is, you’ll get over them and see that they were unnecessary obstacles.

Remember your “social responsibility” to other young women, encourage them and share what you’ve learnt. Bring your sisters along for the ride!

It sure does help to have a supreme omnipotent and omniscient God to guide you. Walk with Him and ask Him for clarity in making decisions. I personally, believe that He listens! The power of prayer is parallel to none!
So I could carry on and on, saying that you should also go to the gym and stop ingesting rubbish, but I won’t do that coz it late and I’m kind of sleepy lol!

I will say carpe diem, have FUN and be happy. The journey called life is filled with ups and downs that we should embrace and learn from, but I don’t believe journey to becoming “that woman” should be filled with more frowns and tears than smiles and laughs. If that’s the case then is back to the drawing board, to change some strategy execution techniques DON’T GIVE UP because HAPPINESS is always the ultimate goal.

I’m far from an expert at what makes someone successful, hell, I’m not even there yet! But there is one thing that I know for certain; I would really really like to become “that woman”. This is the path that I am hoping to take. I would like you my sisters to come with me. I’m sure it gets lonely at the top! I leave you with a quote from Dr. Seuss just to remind you that your road is unique, and only by accepting and loving the REAL YOU can you have a happy journey!

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

DISCLAIMER: I’m not really advocating consumerism and shallowness, rather the picture of what is immediately perceived to be success and its beauty.

Ciao, bisous et bon voyage
Ash
xxx

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AWOL, I know!

11 Feb

Hello my lovelies! I know I’ve been absolutely AWOL for the longest time and I apologise for this. My excuse is that I went to Zimbabwe and got lovey dovey and forgot about my blog. Whats more I don’t have my bb, its in Zimbabwe (loooong story) so I have to psych myself to go onto an actual computer if i wanna make an entry. Either way, I’m back now and I’ve got so much to blog about! Look out for my next entry on becoming THAT WOMAN! I enjoyed writing it and I just have to find the flash that its on! Anyway, Hope all the students (in SA) have had a good start to the academic year!

Ciao et bisous

Clean Fun

25 Dec

Hey all,

So it is Christmas day and I had such an AMAZING time! It just made me realise how much I lack in the “clean fun” department. Ok, not saying that I go around on drug binges and stand on street corners lol. But there was something that was really “back to basics” about spending time in the bundu with my family ….braaing (barbequing), drinking and playing 30 seconds.

I don’t think I’ve booted (clubbed) as much as I did in 2011 in my whole life. It was always about the boot and koovhers (drinks). And it was fun, it was ridiculously fun! But I’m actually tired of “recording loses” to be brutally honest. Recording a loss is basically any drunken behaviour that you wouldn’t do when sober and would most probably be embarrassed about. This year, loses where recorded. I don’t really regret any of them coz none of them where THAT bad, but all of them have helped me put things into perspective.  In retrospect I can see where I went wrong and make tomorrow’s decisions accordingly.

This year coming year I’ve decided to have more clean fun.  Me and my mates do play 30 seconds once in a while, but I think we should play it more often (I love it)! Other board games of course. And I wanna have a more frequent movie nights and dinner parties. My one homie said we club a lot coz we aren’t in stable relationships. Which is probably true, coz if I had a boyfriend to see all the time, I’d spend less time in Stones or Moloko.  

Never the less, I’ve realised that when we’re not blasted in the club we have more fun. We remember everything; we get to know each other better and its cheaper lol!

So, I wanna go to museums and to Senegalese (or anything weirder) restaurants! I wanna go paint balling, I wanna go to the spa more often, I wanna go camping at some place I’ve never been! It’s my final year (by God’s grace) and I wanna have fun, the heck, and I also wanna dim my lights for the boot a little. Club once in a while, and discover the world around me!!!

Ciao, bisous and be good

The Sponsor Soash and Übermensch

7 Dec

Here goes a controversial subject. I hadn’t even considered writing about it then one of my friends asked me to, and I thought what the heck, I’m interested in social issues, particularly ones that involve young women. And this one definitely is a prominent one.

I’m talking about the sponsor soash. YES I said it! Lol! In my anthropology class we studied a paper by Daniel Jordan Smith called “Promiscuous Girls, Good Wives and Cheating Husbands…”. It was an ethnography on the Igbo girls of south-eastern Nigeria and how they have relationships with older men in order to get monetary gains. Usually university girls or young professional that have one or several of these sponsors. They would call the “commissioners” ie Commissioner of Transport gives her petrol money or even a car, of Finance gives her an allowance etc etc. Although these young women would have their various sponsors, they would still have a boyfriend from their home town with whom they aspire to settle.

What intrigued be is the amount of women between 20 and 29 that I know, that live similar lifestyles. I thought about it at the time I was studying the article but not much. However, I was recently at a gathering of women between 21 and 25 and this “sponsor soash” popped its head again. There were differences in opinion and variations in experience but most of the girls were actually for the idea of having a sponsor. As intelligent women we decided to explore WHY exactly so many of our peers found this behaviour acceptable, when most admit that it is immoral.

The main thing that we had to pin-point is that all the women that we knew to have sponsors came from middle class backgrounds, with private school educations and parents that could afford to send them to university. Just like the Igbo girls they didn’t need the extra money really. The sponsors provide a “nice to have” just extra things like Brazilian hair, make-up shopping at MAC, designer handbags and obviously making sure that they have money to spend with their girls. As they get older, it becomes about him getting then a job, getting them capital to start a business

Why do they feel like they need extras? My first thought is that its a competition against each other, but I realised quite quickly that I was wrong. A lot of these women have a sense of comradeship that revolved around their activities. They encouraged each other on best ways to get sponsors, and best ways to keeps them without actually having to sleep with them. So, if it isn’t about direct competition amongst each other then what is it? This is where I had a light bulb over my head. Its about being the overall “baws lady” and doing it in the easiest and fastest way possible.

Nietzsche is a German pholosopher that coined a theory that I think explains this, one word… Übermensch. I’m not brilliant at explaining philosophical theories like my friend Nonku, but I’ll try to explain how I correlate this concept with the sponsor soash.

So according to Nietzsche, ambition, achievement and ultimately power are innate motivators in men (and women). So basically Übermensch is the will to be powerful above other men. Some have translated Übermensch to mean “Superman” (or superwoman lol). However in order to reach this state, one would have to abandon “traditional” morality in order to pursue self-progressing interests.

Traditionally what is morally correct is passive and and selfless, what is immoral is usually selfish and for self advancement. What is morally correct is determined by external constraints on one’s individual autonomy. So, he says the constraints are just utensils for social control, instead people should exercise natural constraints.

African women are more ambitious that they’ve ever been. So after these women have expressed their natural autonomy, it was decided that although unpleasant for others, the sponsor soash was not immoral to them, and therefore they would use their sponsors for personal advancement. This gives them the “balls” to assert their dominance over weaker individuals.

So basically its always about being a step ahead and being the baddest manana. And these women use their youth and allure to entice sponsors who in turn make things happen for them. One step closer to being the ultimate Übermensch.

However much you hear a young woman talk the talk of self-progression, there is a point in her life where her tone of voice changes. When a woman is in a serious relationship that could lead to marriage she is then on her way to being a “good wife”. This is when she starts to realise that the external constraints are in fact there for a reason. The individualist turns into a Christian and then she’ll say things like “but girls, one day this could be one of our husbands. I think I’m outta the game”. After a while, she sees the ones who were once her comrades in sponsorship as harlots and home-wreckers.

And the funny thing is, this is the fate of a lot of African girls that have sponsors. After awhile they forget about wanting anything else but a husband and children. The ultimate goal is to be Mrs. XXX at the end of the day. And as we know the institution that is African marriage, she’s unlikely to take with her any “perks” that she received during her sponsorship days.
This is primarily an observational of my sisters in Africa. So, is it worth the time and the effort? I suppose that’s for the individual woman to answer. I guess if you got a job at a lucrative firm, you may say yes. If you started a business, you may say yes. If you feel like it was just some fun, you should say no. If you know you just got clothes that don’t fit anymore, you should say no. If you feel like you were being cheap, you should say no. Most importantly if you are no closer to becoming Übermensch despite having a sponsor…then it SURELY isn’t worth your time. Rather wait for your turn to be a good wife.

DISCLAIMER: I know some people’s blood is boiling, so I should say that, I am NOT promoting any lifestyle, I’m just highlighting a social issue. I did not touch on the men’s views and I doubt I will ever have the opportunity to hear wealthy men discuss sponsorships.

That’s my 2 cent,
Ciao, bisous and behave
Ash

Pheeew! its been a while!

7 Dec

Hey all,

I haven’t blogged in a month…yes, I know, its terrible, but what with exams and doing pen downers there really hasn’t been any time! Okay, maybe that’s just an excuse, but its certainly true :p I’m back with a vengeance, but I may be going to Zimbabwe for a while, and internet connection isn’t always lekker. Thought I’d say something to confirm that I’m still alive

Ciao, bisous and be good
Ash

J’ai besoin de plus

6 Nov

Starving yet stuffed, i realise i have not had enough
To be honest, i don’t even remember when I last did.
Unadulterated bliss misconceived as childishness
My soul clamours for more yet remains unheard,
I’d give anything to be free as a bird.

No regrets here, maybe none obvious, but definitely thoughts that stray and encounter the delirious.
My heart has aged though my body is new
Regarding those whose minds and bodies are in tune as fools but deep down inside, jealousy rules
Stolen youth, a torn mind, not even I know what lies inside
The greatest love story ever told that is somehow strangely so painful to behold.

A kiss in the rain, makes me young again
A peal of laughter and some tickling thereafter
Pictures to capture moments we share, I wish I could tell u but how do I dare?
I love you, I do but j’ai besoin de plus
But how do I tell you without tying the noose?

By Runyararo Matema

J’ai besoin de plus

6 Nov

Starving yet stuffed, i realise i have not had enough
To be honest, i don’t even remember when I last did.
Unadulterated bliss misconceived as childishness
My soul clamours for more yet remains unheard,
I’d give anything to be free as a bird.

No regrets here, maybe none obvious, but definitely thoughts that stray and encounter the delirious.
My heart has aged though my body is new
Regarding those whose minds and bodies are in tune as fools but deep down inside, jealousy rules
Stolen youth, a torn mind, not even I know what lies inside
The greatest love story ever told that is somehow strangely so painful to behold.

A kiss in the rain, makes me young again
A peal of laughter and some tickling thereafter
Pictures to capture moments we share, I wish I could tell u but how do I dare?
I love you, I do but j’ai besoin de plus
But how do I tell you without tying the noose?

By Runyarora Matema

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